I’ve been crying on and off for the past four hours and my head hurts beyond belief from all of this thinking.
I’m glad we talked because I’m definitely saw it coming. And although everything seems fine now that we’d given each other a piece of our minds I am beside myself and too much has resurfaced. I had more than you can imagine dropped on my plate in a matter of 15 minutes and I already had enough shit to deal with. Like I said, things are good now and I’m glad we talked but now I don’t know how to deal. She allowed herself to build resentment, which has lead to her implying some pretty hurtful things and saying a lot of them tonight. I know she was just upset but I feel like all this time it’s been all about how she see’s things, how she’s affected and how she wants things to be. I sleep a lot so I must not be looking for a job. I come in late so I must be blowing a lot of money. I don’t stay in all day waiting for her to come home, I must be using her for her free food, a bed and house. I go to raves and finally go out and have fun opposed to chilling in dacula doing nothing, so now I’m a completely different person. And if you put it all together, I really must not want to move out anymore or do anything with my life if you really want to go there. That is how it’s seen so it must be how it really is? And apparently everyone else sees it too and they all are equally as disappointed in me. I know that’s not 100% what was meant but that’s what I got out of tonight and it has been implied enough times over the past few weeks for me to get the point.
I’ve spent at least $350 in gas looking for a job in the past 3 months. I don’t work so it’s not like I have consistent income to supply me with gas money. I have four pages of nothing but sent e-mail from me sending out my resume (just in the past few weeks). I have spent so much time looking for jobs in person, online, doing call backs, then worrying myself to the point of tears about when and where I’m going to find a job because I HAVE to move out. Don’t tell me I do otherwise when you’re not here to see. Also, now that I’m not working I may as well go out and have the fun I never could have because of my parents and because I always had to wake up super early due to work, babysitting and taking my sister to school. And considering it’s free most of the time, I don’t see why not. Also, it’s my way of coping. The longer I stay in the crazier I drive myself and the more I stress myself out. If I’m busy I’m too preoccupied to allow myself to stress. I refuse to cope like I did years ago because that lead to dangerous thinking.
Speaking of stress, there have been so many times I’ve needed someone to talk to but I can’t. I’ve known for a minute that I was on thin ice with Chelsea and anytime I recently have talked to her she pretty much has had a “You’ve made you bed, now lay in it” kind of attitude. Erin always is there but I feel like she’s heard it all because I’m always with her so I hate to always call her. Nicole always has her own shit to deal with and I never want to add my problems to hers. I would talk to Jacob but he also has his own shit and I got a little butthurt that once he and Chelsea started talking he wasn’t just my bro anymore and we couldn’t really hang or talk without Chelsea being brought up. And now that they’re dating I’m scared that whatever I say to him will get back to Chelsea and I don’t want her to worry. I’m always playing phone tag with Angel, and I’m usually the one who’s it. I’d feel like an ass if the one time I finally call her back is because I need something. I trust Devon almost more than anyone but I don’t feel comfortable going to him for help and I don’t know how he’d react. And I feel bad for dumping my shit on Shelby because we just started becoming good friends and she’s almost dealing with the same shit. The only other person is Zakk. He understands me better than most, I know he’ll sit there and listen until I’m finished and he knows when I just need someone to sit there and listen or when I need advise without me having to tell him. And he always knew what to say. But I don’t have him either because even though he was supposed to be my best friend, he turned on me for no fucking reason. I don’t exactly have people to run to either but because I’m out all of the time I must have this huge array of friends. Nope.
I’m sick and tired of people judging me, telling me what to do, implying that they know what’s better for me than I do. I’m also sick of people thinking they have me figured out so well when they don’t know jack shit. None of you hang out with me every day so don’t act like you know what I do in my spare time. Why don’t you be a real friend and call me or come to me about whatever issue you have opposed to making ignorant assumptions.
I am not happy, I’m lonely, I’m still trying to figure out who my real friends are. People keep questioning my virginity and preference and when it used to not be a topic. Which leads to me feeling very self conscious and like something is wrong with me. Especially when all of my friends are dating and all I have at night is my stuffed rabbit and tinkerbell blanket. I feel like a loser and an idiot because I put in my two weeks before finding a new job because I felt trapped and I gathered it wouldn’t be too hard to find a job with all of my experience. Three months later I’m still jobless. I also feel like a loser because I want to make new friends but I don’t know how. Not to mention I want more female friends and friends my age but those are the top two groups of people I relate to the least. Everyone is mad or disappointed in me. Chelsea’s dad apparently looks at me the same way she does or did. If he feels that way then everyone else who lives here does or is going to because I’m sure they’ve all talked about it. The one way I’ve been dealing with all of this shit is by going out but now I feel like I can’t because it’s going to cause drama. I feel like I have to keeping being boring and everyone’s mom or else I’m changing into a horrible person. And I know I shouldn’t care about what anyone else thinks but it’s hard when my friendship depends on people wanting me to stay the same for whatever reason that may be.
Everyone has being going through all theses different changes and are moving through chapters in their lives while my life have been on the first chapter since day one. I want to write my book and it’s okay to do that and that doesn’t mean that I’m changing into a bad person. It just means that I’m growing and figuring myself out and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with it. I don’t want to worry about everything I do out of fear that my decision may upset someone. I just want to live like everyone else has been doing.
Chelsea said she remembers me saying that I used go to Barnes and Nobles so much that I practically lived there, I never needed anyone, I always did things alone and she wants me to go back to that over going out. But that is what I did to cope with the bullshit in my house hold and because I literally didn’t have a soul as a friend. I did things alone because I had no one to do anything with. I lived in Barnes and Nobles because reading was how I coped with my shitty reality and I liked to forget that reality by living my life vicariously through the characters in the books I read. I was dangerously depressed back then and used to seriously consider doing very harmful and scary things to myself. Chelsea didn’t know me them, which is why she can say that. If people don’t start leaving me alone or being better friends, she is going to get what she wants. Because I am going to drop everyone like a hot plate and crawl into a hole she knows as Barnes and Nobles and I’m going to feed my fucked and lucid imagination with book she doesn’t even know existed and then I’m going to wonder if I could do that to myself and if it would make me feel better like it made them feel.
I hate that I have to vent on tumblr because I don’t know where else to go. And I hate that my best friend thinks what she does of me and thinks I value her so little when in all reality she means the world to me and I don’t even know what I’d do without her.
I’m rambling and making less sense as I go along but I’m so upset and my head is so clouded. I hate crying and I hate that I cried as much as I have tonight but my instinct is screaming that this is just the beginning if I don’t figure out how to cope. I feel like the only way I’m going to get all of this out is this way and right now. And what I want more than anything right now, for once in my life is someones chest to lay on and for someone to tell me everything is going to be okay because I don’t think I can console or comfort myself anymore.
I just need help and I don’t know where to start.